Sunday, January 13th, 2008
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11:06 am - Moms gone crazy
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Thursday, February 15th, 2007
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9:02 pm - Can anyone tell me whats wrong?
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I have come to realize that I am very very very un happy. I feel empty on the inside. I dont understand why I have become this way. Women is the gate keeper to some of my happyness. People would say "dont let that happen, your better than that" well fuck you. I dont need your fucking opinions. I am who I am so deal with it. I feel so alone. I feel like my friends arent even my friends anymore. I have two friends. Ashley and Brandon. I feel so empty. Why cant I just find someone I can love. I want to learn how to love again. I dont want to go to bed alone anymore. I dont want to see everyone els be happy and me not understanding why I cant have what they have. Its like there is something in my life blocking me from doing so. I hear this bulshit from lots of women. Ya know that thing where they are like "Oh your could have any girl you want" Who the fuck do you think you are? Dont you see that if I could have anyone I want I would be happy and with someone. I think its all bullshit. I look at myself in the miror and I barly recognize the face thats looking back at me. My life is kinda like a blure. I just want to feel like I have friends that love me like I them and I would like someone in my life that I can conversate with and be a unit with but I have yet to find that. Not that im looking... Im just paciantly waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. I am having a hard time. Is it me or is it them? Whats wrong with me? Why is everyone els happy and im stuck in this rutt? My tears fall to the ground and no one knows.. You look into my eyes and you can see pain but no one cares. Why do I feel this way? What and where did it go wrong? The shitty part about it is that someone does love me.. But I dont love them back. I smoke weed and it makes the tears stop. I dont want to become dependant. Well Im not.. I miss Cassie. She is happy. She is in a relationship with a guy who probobly doesnt desurve her. Fuck. Why do I feel so differant. I have felt it since I was a little kid. There was everyone els and then there was me. I have always felt set appart for some reason. Like I was more important or something but as time goes on its turing into the opposit. I have so much inside me but I dont know how to pull it out. I want to love, I want to be happy, I want to be able to smile, I want to feel warm inside, I want someone to look at me and say "I know what your saying and I completely agree" Whats it going to take? What is the price for happyness? God tell me what to do to be better. Like I was a few years ago.. Damn. I feel empty.
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Monday, January 15th, 2007
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5:03 pm - I had another dream
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I had another dream about her again last night. It had her, austin, my parents and my ex amy. It wasnt that it was a nightmare but it wasnt good. This weird dream when She honestly didnt care about anything I had to say. She had almoste a look us disgust in her face. It was a very sad dream. I dont know.. amys face wasnt even that depictabale but I knew it was here but her on the other hand... She was emaculate. Her face and body and what she was wearing was so vivid. I woke up feeling empty.
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Thursday, January 4th, 2007
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6:55 am - What I want.
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I want a girl as is fallows:
Brown hair
Blue or brown or green eyes
Beautful smile
Not too thin
Not too thick
Knows how to react to the things I say
Wont be afraid to tell me exacty how she feels
Know how to look into my eyes and make me feel so beautfull
She will take care of herself
she is nutering
She will open up to me
She will love me for who I am
She will praise me for doing a good job
Pretty face
Eyes that light up when she smiles
She knows how take my pain away
She makes me feel like the most sexy man on earth
She gives me butterflys
She makes me feel like my first love did.....
Im really alone. Hahaha... I am so alone. Wow.
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Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
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10:00 pm - What to write about... What to think about....
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I dont know... Life is a funny thing because you do things and you learn lessons and for every action there is a reaction. Is it wrong to feel a certain way even though you can not help it? I mostly wish I can find a double sided situation with someone but for right now its going to be one sided. Not because I cant have sex and not because I like things some other people dont but becuase in some ways im just not compatible with her... I love the fact I am actually takeing the time to get to know someone. I love he fact that I know facts about someone that no one els knows ya know? It feels good to take time out of my life to know someone elses life. I guess im just trying to find myself. I guess im just trying to figure out who I am and be comfterbal in my own skin.. I love everyone around me and I love my family. I hate being away form the people that I love...
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Saturday, July 15th, 2006
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2:01 pm - I have never felt more stupid
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I have never felt so stupid. I know you have your feelings and you feel that some intmate things are gross. Fine. That doesnt stop that fact that that makes me feel like im disgusting. I cant help the way I feel. I want to share myself with you just like you share yourself with me but you think im gross like that. I thought the feelings were mutual. I didnt know you thought I had a gross body. I wish you would accept me like I accept you. I wish I was so beautifull you wouldnt be able to help it. Dont call me sexy anymore. Dont say I have a nice body anymore because I know its all a front. I feel like such an idiot makeing out with you and pressing myself on you when in some ways you think im gross.. My feleings are extremely hurt not because of the things you wont do, just the fact im not good looking enough for you.. Im not smooth enough and beautiful enough and I feel like A FUCKING IDIOT for eben trying. I have never felt more digusting in my life. I have never felt like such a dumb ass. Wow.. I feel like shit.
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Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
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7:24 pm
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Im in some sort of pain.... No matter who I am with I can not stop thinking of you and you dont even know it. God I miss you and I dont seem to care about anyone els on your end of humanity. I hate this.. I am so alone no matter what I do because you are simply not in my life.. What am I to do.. Sit and be in pain. "Another night with her and im always wanting you"
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Thursday, May 4th, 2006
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8:38 pm - This is it.... This is what I needed to say all this time
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This is to all and to all a good night.
AMY: First off I want to say FUCK YOU!!! you have no right to get ahold of me after YOU DUMPED ME AND CHEATED ON ME just to bother me and try to push my buttons. I will file a restraining order against you so fucking fast your ugly ass head will spin. Second I think your a fucking whore... Does your parents know the shit me and you use to do in your room while they were sleeping? Do you actually kiss you mother with that dirty little mouth your perform with? WOW you are seriously a poor excuse for a women.
Mother Royland: How fucking dare you try to drug test me when I was a guest in your home. Who the fuck do you think you are accuseing me of being a fucking drug addict and make me feel like the most shitty human there is. YOU DONT KNOW A GOD DAMN THING ABOUT ME AND NEITHER DID AMY!!! You need to learn how to NOT pass judjment on people you dont know and you need to realize that you yourself is not fucking perfect so PISS OFF
CASSIE: Why the fuck am I wasteing my time with you? I try and contact you and email you and text you and YOU KNOW DAMN WELL HOW I FUCKING FEEL AND YOU DONT CARE!!! I dont care what you say back but at least text me back with something. WHY?!?! dont you text me back and let me know im wasting my time?!?! Why do you just keep takeing and takeing my nice little things I say to you and give nothing back. I have done nothing but LOVE you all this time and you will not tell me that im wasting my time. MAYBE IF YOU TOLD ME THAT I WOULD GET OVER YOU!!!!! FUCK!!!
My BAND: Love you all to death but we need to learn how to LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER and BRIAN AND DAN NEED TO WORK OUT THERE FUCKING SHIT OTHERWISE WERE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT.
LETS ALL BE ADULTS SHALL WE?!?!?!?!
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Saturday, February 18th, 2006
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7:58 pm - another 20 cents goodbye
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I think its funny how people think they have the right to justify my situation. Its not that I need you there I want you there. I think its funny how you cant even see it. or maybe I just dont try hard enough. Maybe I dont try at all becuase im afraid of rejection and if I was to be rejected i would feel really stupid and I just cant handle that right now. I need to know need to know I need to know need to know, If you think your gunna leave then you better say so. OOOHHH tom Petty I love you. So you tell me what the fuck am i supposed to do? You say one thing but act another. you kinda confuse me. Maybe its me and what I want out of a girl and what you want or need or whatever it completely different than what I am? Why you do want to see me? Why do you kiss me? I need to know!!! God I just want to hear it come out of your mouth thats all. The txt and the email isnt enough for me. If you could only look into my eyes tell me how your really feel you have no Idea how much that would make my day. I want to tell you how I feel but im afraid becuase I dont know exactly how you feel becuase I havent heard it come out of your mouth physically.
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Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
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4:45 pm - We are many and they are few
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So I was sitting in my car today and I was talking to Amy on the phone (not my x girlfriend) and I got this over welming feeling of just emptyness and being alone. I had to hang up the phone because I didnt want amy to hear me cry. I just started thinking and feeling and feeling and thinking and I came to the conclusion that I really am alone. I dont feel many people understand me and I just wish someone would. I dont feel many people find my company great or find my smile warming. I hate the fact that I feel this way but for some reason I just cant help it. Im tired of being so hard on myself and im tired of feeling the way that I do but no matter how hard I try to walk away and get over it these feelings seem to get stronger and stronger. Then pretty soon they are there alwayse all the time. Is it me or is it them? I just dont know anymore. Why cant I have someone of my own? I just dont know anymore. Why cant someone smile back at me and meen it? I just dont know anymore. Why should I care about someone who doesnt care about me? I shouldnt but apparently im a sucker. Sometimes I feel like I want to snapp and do something crazy/violent/insane. Sometimes I would like to see the shade of my own blood. Call me crazy... GO AHEAD!!!!!!! What fucking ever im use to it. Just like im use to eveything els. Like people never really getting to know me or walking away from me when im in need. Why do I have so much pain? Fuck you if you think this is fake. I am just speaking my hear.... The truth hurts. I want to be happy but I can not find my smiles in someone els. Even though I want someone by myside. Why couldnt things just stick long ago? Why did things have to change? So I can suffer? Am I supposed to suffer? Is it funny when I suffer? I dont know weather im comeing or going anymore. It seems as though I feel like shit more than I laugh and smile. I want my heart to smile again but nothing and no one will even give me the time of day to try and cheer me up. I cant do this by myself. DO YOU SEE IN THE CORNER OF YOUR EYE THAT IM STANDING BY YOUR SIDE? You dont....... I knew you didnt.
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Monday, January 30th, 2006
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6:58 pm - Arent you cute
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Your so god damn happy arent you? Well fuck you and your smiles. I cant stand your face anymore and I cant stand the fact that I let you in along time ago. Now you think that you can just walk away which you already have. I am at fault for the same but I repent and think of how sorry I am. If you turn your back on me you better neveer look back at my face again. FUCK YOU!!! I cant stand it anymore. I cant stand the haunting that has gone on for 4 years that has never left me. LEAVE ME ALONE, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!
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Sunday, January 15th, 2006
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6:52 am - wow
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I have never felt more alone than I do now. I feel like my family thinks im a joke for actually trying to be a musician. My mother is like out to get me. Its all about what they want and not what I want. Money money money. I have this feeling in me that music is what I am supposed to do. Not work some bullshit go now where with your life job. On top of me feeling completely out of place in my family I dont have anyone really to turn to. I mean I do but not the type of person I need right now. I wish I had someone to hold me. Sometimes I just want to sleep forever. My mom makes me feel like im a bad person. Like im not good enough. I was never good enough. There was never a place where I really felt accepted. Its funny.... I want to cry right now but I cant.. I feel like my mom and dad are alwayse watching me, waiting for something. I dont like feeling like a criminal. I feel like such a loser. What did I do? No one REALLY cares about me.
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Thursday, January 12th, 2006
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10:22 pm - Who is there?...... anyone?...... anyone?
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I have come to find that I am a very lonely person. I dont like it. Its not that I need someone its that I want someone. I dont get to have anyone. Im simply not that lucky. I really wish that someone that I am interested in would like me back but like I said. Im not that lucky. My last girlfriend cheated on me,.... The two before her treated me like I was dog shit. Now I cant even get a date going. What is happening to me? No one likes me and I cant get a date if my life depended on it. Wow im pathetic. What ever.... Ill be alone then.
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Saturday, December 31st, 2005
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1:42 am - god you dont know how I feel. You dont care either
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I made a decision. I think I know how I am going to die. Its wierd I figured this out becuase when I thought about it I felt happy. It was like I knew that I was going to finally get out. Out of this fucking pain and this life that tries to be like so abstract. Just know this... NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE TREATED YOU LIKE I WILL OR HAVE OR WOULD. I DONT KNOW WHY YOU REFUSE TO SEE WHAT I AM ALL ABOUT. I WANT TO GO I SOMETIMES WISH HE WOULD TAKE ME... TAKE ME... I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE ME... YOU WOULD HAVE ME.
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Thursday, October 20th, 2005
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1:35 pm - is this your idea of a good time?
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1:14 pm - take me... take me now.
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My weeks seem to grow stronger and my days seem to turn away from me lately. I dotn know whats going wrong? but no matter what is said it makes me feel like its all my fault. Is it the way they make me feel? kinda... The things I do and the things I enjoy.. Does it meen its wrong? does that make me a bad person? Its seems that way but I dont think so. I dont know why they think im a bad person.. I dont know why they nit pick at me and me me feel this way. sure.... anytime the light is shown on them they deny deny deny. I dont like it when people dont work hard for what they have and then they rub it in other peoples faces. I dont like it when people make me feel like im mad and not worth the time and shitty to be around because I know thats not the case. What the fuck did I do to you? and why would you be so nice to me and tell me nice things and then turn around and act like you dont give a shit. Am I being taken for a fool? Im no fucking fool. Im a little confused thses days on what is actually going on.. I cant focus on anyting. It seems like no one gets me accept for one or two people. I feel like my girlfriend that I love dearly doesnt even get me. i dont think she wants to get me. im sad.
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Sunday, August 28th, 2005
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11:27 pm - Even my family thinks im weird.
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I look around and I see these brothers and sister. They get along and sometimes they even fight but no matter what they say or do none the less they still love eachother. Not my family... Cameron... Your an ass hole. I go through every day being judged, looked at, stared at as if im a freak show. The only thing I ever wanted from you in my whole life was acceptance. God knows im not getting that anytime soon. You truely make me feel like I dont have a place I belong even though I only see you once ever couple months, but even at that you make me feel like shit. I dont give a shit what I say or how I think or even what my views are... you shouldnt make me feel like you made me feel tonight. and know its not anything you said, it was simply the faces you made. But the faces you made had plenty impact on me. I knew exactly what you ment when you made those looks. You think im weird and you think im some sort of freak for haveing my own little veiws on how the unvierse might work. Well you know what? FUCK YOU CAMERON!!!! your a fucking prick... I think your a pussy ass mother fucking prick who gets jollys over makeing other people feel like they wanna die. Doesnt it bother you that you have no idea who your own little brother is? I really use to look up to you.. but now I look down on you. Its hard enough knowing that other people think im some sort of weirdo.. But my own flesh and blood makes me feel like I dont even belong. Makeing me feel alienated. What ever.. Im sure your just like your real father. A cheater, a fucking ass hole mother fucker that will probobly cheat on your wife. Dont forget... I watched you lick that strippers boobs the night before your wedding.. I dont call that faithfull. So fucking what if I have my own little theorys on time travel. Keep your little bitch ass lookes to your self. Oh and Matt... Get the fuck out of my family no one likes you anyway. I have felt nothing but carelessnes from you my whole life and the only thing I wish was to have a brother to show me the way. Obviously you were to busy with yourself to pay attention enough to know that you have a little brother that watched your every move and took notes becuase you never took the time to show me. I hate to say this but your not my brother.. In no way can you call yourself a brother. When was the last time you asked me how my life was going? I hope some day you read this and realize what an ass hole you are. I dont like it when I only see you so often and every time I open my mouth you make me feel like im a weirdo.. a joke, a stranger, a dumb ass. Its people like you that made me so worried to go outside and be around large groups of people. Its people like you that made me feel so self conciouse. Your a dick. All I wanted was a brother. All I wanted was for you to care. Maybe a "hey your getting better at the drums" or "hey, whens your next show"? You may think im some sort of pussy. You may think im some kinda young person that doesnt know a damn thing but I do know this. You were never a brother. Thanks for makeing me feel like an outcast tonight at dinner. The thing you dont realize is when someone still looks up to you even a look can rip a heart in half. Take it how you will. I dont care anymore. No thats a lie.. I forgot I alwayse tried to be a brother to you so I guess ill alwayse care no matter how much I dont like you. I hope your fucking happy becuase im misserable knowing I have a brother that doesnt give a shit.
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Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
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3:02 pm - It's true..... I am alone.
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this is the last broadcast out,
no one will listen,
even if I shout,
they say I have issues,
maybe there right,
walk a day in my shoes,
and turn out the light,
rock back and forth,
cry untill you fall asleep,
you also would prey,
the lord your soul to keep,
keep laughing and smileing,
its ok,
your not the one thats going to die today,
POKE POKE POKE!!,
where do you come from?
what makes you so happy?
I want some,
cause your so perfect arent you?
you'd like to think,
but when you pute me down,
I wish I would vanish away,
like I said,
walk a day in my shoes,
sometimes I wish you only knew,
keep saying im crazy,
go ahead,
you havent seen crazy yet,
untill im dead in bed.
I am tired of being nice to people and them being so stupid to me. It seems as though I get shit on and the one person I pute most of my trust into sometimes makes me feel like I am so alone. I dont know how to get my point accross becuase they will just say im beimng an ass hole or that im acting crazy. Maybe it is true. There really isnt someone I can put all my trust into. I was lost and them I thought I was found but I guess not. When will someone not critisize me for who I am. God made me this way... Maybe I will start pointing the finger. ILL BEET YOU WONT BE SMILEING WHEN I FUCKING DIE WILL YOU?!?!?!
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Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
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7:00 pm - A place I once loved and now I hate
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Im scared. Gone for like 4 or 5 months in a place full of pretty boys, acters, and sleezy musicians. Great for me considering the fact I will be a fucking nerviouse wreck during that time period. Oh me? No, its not me thats going. Im not mad at all. Just worried and in a shitty mood everytime its brought up. I dont know.... I just get this feeling that once she is there she will get a couple auditions and I will end up getting a call "Hey babe? I have some bad news.... Im not coming back" I know she will get picked up. Any ignorant person would say im being selfish but am I? I dont want my heart to be broken again. She says it will all be ok and I have nothing to worrie about but that is soo easy for her to say. "OH....your gunna be on tour anyway" Yeah for like 2 weeks. That is nothing. I have a super bad feeling about this. Im fallowing my heart on this one and its flashing bright red lights. I wish I honestly knew how much I ment to her. I meen I do ya know? But at the same time I dont becuase im not her. Fuck I cant stand it, and I cant stand talking about it cause it seriously will ruin my day if its brought up at least once. I feel as if I dont compare to those ritsy, stupid ass, fucked up, cheating ass holes of acters that love to pick up on fresh new meet that comes into LA. JUST WHAT THEY WOULD WANT,A SMALL TOWN GIRL THAT ALMOST WOULDNT CATCH THERE BULL SHIT. At which point I would go out the window cause im not rich, and good looking enough, and I dont drive a mercades, and I cant buy her the things that she wants (just yet). FUCK!!! Why does this kinda bullshit find me? I try my hardest to stay away from this shit yet I alwayse end up smack dab in the fucking middle of it. Fucking halerious.
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Thursday, July 14th, 2005
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9:05 pm - fuck...... its starting again.
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I dont know whats wrong with me. Not even the people that are very close to me can cheer me up right now, which is unusual. I want to cry but I cant. My tears are dryed up and I dont know why. I want to run really far away. If there was ever a time I felt good enough I wouldnt be feeling the way I am right now. Would it be wron to say that sometimes I think dredfull thoughts? Maybe so,.... people would think im crazy but what els is new. I just try my best thats all, but my best is some bodys worst so I guess that means im not that great at all. What did I do to desurve this? I feel like im worthless.....
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